the hardest year yet

Being a musician is so difficult. 

Ooh this is lengthy. 

This year has brought me many things... Challenges, successes, and failures. Things that I never wanted to happen and yet, it did. It includes: financial stress, inability to achieve the work-life-school balance, impostor syndrome, pressure, and the inescapable feeling of loneliness and doubt. Even so, I am writing today because as I reflect on the past year, I overcame these 'things' and I am forever proud of myself for surviving such a difficult year. 

Even I wonder how I am still standing lol.

When the year began, I had a single goal in mind. To pursue orchestral percussion felt so right. I wanted to be an amazing percussionist. One of the very few female orchestral percussionists. Over summer, I worked hard on my ensemble placement excerpts and my technique on some of the core orchestral instruments such as tambourine. As I sat in my teacher's office, I was set on auditioning to performance certificate programs to make myself better. My music education route became my plan B. I was quite ambitious for someone who is not in a performance degree. After such a successful and productive year with my local youth orchestra, I was so inspired to become an orchestral player. It was not because I wanted to be the best, but because I truly loved orchestral music. 

Being an orchestral percussionist meant that I would get to perform music that I love for the rest of my life, on top of premiering various pieces and getting to learn more about classical music. Studying the scores, marking my part, listening to multiple recordings of the same piece and falling in love with the writing sounded like the dream. 

I was, in fact, dreaming.

Life got in the way. 

When applications came around, I was struggling financially. I could not even pay the application fees. At times, my balance was so low that I was unable to commute to school to practice. I was behind in researching the universities I wanted to apply to, insanely busy learning audition repertoire and NYO excerpts, school work, student association work, commuting, and work. I found myself struggling to keep track of everything I had to do even if I kept a daily agenda. I was showing up to lessons unprepared and extremely nervous. At this point, I was beginning to think that maybe my dream was not meant to be achieved yet. Life seriously hit me like a truck. 

My dreams were crushed. I was unable to pick myself back up again until one fateful lesson where I cried in front of my teacher. I was in a pathetic state. My body hurt from a taiko drumming concert, I was unprepared for a lesson I rescheduled, hungry because I had no money for food, and mentally exhausted. This is where my teacher encouraged me to take teaching into consideration. When I had thought about it, I actually did not hate the idea. My teacher supported me full-heartedly with this idea of being "practical" to get to where I need to be. For example, if I wanted to become a performer, then I would have to become a teacher and make money before I pursue that side of my journey as a life-long musician. I had never thought about it that way until that lesson which ended with my teacher feeding me dates and miso soup. 

From there, I began to refine my teaching abilities. I took everything in my music ed courses seriously and began my application. I had made enough money for one application and so I did everything I could to get this application in. Sooner than later, I began to see myself as a teacher, the one I dreamt of being in grade 12. 

How did my NYO audition go? Well... I got a recording, however, my audio recording from my microphone got deleted. It is quite the long story. Note to self: never delete a "project" on final cut pro, it will delete EVERY SINGLE FILE attached to it. I was left with a recording with 0 dynamic differences and peaking audio. I was sobbing trying to retrieve my lost file and showed up to rehearsal looking disheveled. Anyway, now I know for next time :)! 

-- 

It was very difficult to balance wanting to be the best player I could be and wanting to succeed as a music teacher. I did not even live near campus and the commute took up 90% of my time to practice. I stayed later just to get some extra hours in. I picked difficult repertoire and struggled an insane amount in my winter term because of how I overloaded my course load. I was beginning to feel hopeless. Ultimately, I prioritized my school work because I did not want to fail my courses. I practiced whenever I possibly could. 

When it came to my jury, everything went as expected, however, my multi-percussion piece did not go very well. I was unable to prepare the entire piece which might have cost me some marks.. At least I was honest to my panel I guess. I blamed myself a lot for this but just reading what I have written so far is crazy! CRAZY!!! 

Feeling unfulfilled earlier in April, I thought about having a music education recital. It was a dream of mine since my TA spoke about how they had a music education recital and how each of the ed majors played secondary instruments. It sounded like such a good time. My 2h Friday 9am music ed class has inspired me throughout the year and I knew they loved performing. To see each of them grow was so touching and I had wished to see them perform on a stage that is just for the music education majors. 

The recital was in protest to the norms that were developed by others at the faculty of music. I disliked the way people thought that we did not care and did not take our instruments seriously. If we did not take our instruments seriously, we would not be at the faculty and we most definitely would not be pursuing music. I disliked how entitled people felt to say these things about us and wanted to put it to a stop. Therefore, I began to put this recital together without any hesitation. I deeply cared for my colleagues and wanted to celebrate them--each and every music education student. 

First, I posted on Instagram to gather interest and once I received interest, I began to gather potential performer information. This was a tough moment because I tried to find a day that was best for everyone to perform. It was also very difficult to find performers because not everyone in 4th year music education wanted to perform and so I opened it up to everyone. The weekend before the recital was a tough one because I tried pushing for details to confirm which date the recital would be on. Miraculously, everyone was available on the 22nd of April and I texted my friend ASAP to get the room booked. 

The room was booked and from there, I was learning how to live stream concerts and relearning the piece I performed. 

To briefly describe how it went down:
I conducted Mackey's Sheltering Sky and played Orion Constellation Theory! 
Livestream was MUTED until the end of the first half 
Camera DIED 
Had to get the student association camera
Settings are visible
Camera turning off from time to time 
Last resort: use my phone, get a tripod & portable charger, and place it by the performance area. 

LOOL it was such a funny experience but at least I know for next time and... I now know how to livestream! A random skill I gained! Woot! 

Anyway, through everything, I suffered pressure, doubts, and the feelings of being alone and a total failure at life but... that is just how life goes. Constantly, life will fail you but these failures are opportunities for growth. I was on my own financially, and had to make many tough decisions on my own this year. I doubted my abilities as a percussionist and as a teacher. I was under the pressure of being the perfect percussionist in the youth orchestra. I was in such a terrible place this year and I came out of it feeling successful. I love everyone who made me feel less alone and supported me throughout everything. Thank you from the deepest depths of my heart. 

No matter where life takes you, see it through with your head up. 

Congratulations for making it through, me. 

-ea 

hello world

lolololol is how I will begin this very first post. 

I have been inspired to start a personal blog on my reflections as a musician. Currently, I am just finishing up my undergraduate degree in music. I aspire to teach music and to continue to play percussion. I will not disclose any information about myself as this blog is just to share my reflections. For those who know me, hello and thank you for being here. 

This is my story. 

As a child in 4th grade, I got to experience a talent show. It was an insane drum battle by two 8th graders who I found very loud and annoying (lol). Little did I know, they were my inspiration to take drum lessons and so one day in a car ride home with my family, I brought up drum lessons. They were surprised and immediately signed me up for the next teaching year in 2013. 

Began my drum lessons and I made sure to practice for 15 to 30 minutes a day. My first song was Imagine by John Lennon. As I grew, my love for the drums inspired me to take music as a high school course because it was something I excelled in. During 8th grade, I was tech savvy and created a remix of rap songs that were popular using Microsoft video editor and used it to perform along with my graduating class in the final music concert of the year. I ended up with an A in music! Yay! 

Anyway, highschool. 

In the first class, we had instrument demos. As soon as the music teacher sat us all down to do instrument assignments, I was immediately forced onto percussion. I say forced as if it wasn't bound to happen haha but if I never was forced onto percussion, I would not be here at 12:13 am, writing this blog post. Anyway, I have never seen a real xylophone up close, not even real life saxophones or tubas. Entering the high school band program was like a dream to me. My first band piece was Prehistoric Suite by Paul Jennings! Shoutout to those who played it too. I was invited into the intermediate band because I exceeded the beginner percussion level.

 At this point, I was still in drum lessons with my original teacher. He saw me grow from 5th grade to 9th grade which is very crazy to think about. He was the best drum kit teacher I could have ever asked for. In 10th grade, I dropped my drum lessons because school was getting out of hand and I was in the senior band and the intermediate band. I also played basketball and loved sports very much. Unfortunately that year, my music teacher had to do an emergency leave and an LTO came in. 

This LTO was new but he got along with all of the band classes very quickly and we were able to pick up where we left off with out repertoire. In the band program, this was the funnest year yet. We played great repertoire like Chasing Sunlight, Chesapeake Bay Adventure, How to Train Your Dragon, and Jitterbug (my drumkit and band debut). All great pieces. From here, I began to develop a love for band music. I was the peak band nerd, staying in the music room during lunch, listening to band music full blast on the tv on weekends. One day, as I was listening to music, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was greeted with a melody so beautiful. John Mackey's Aurora Awakes was playing. I sat up and started at the screen: 

"How could music be this beautiful", I thought. I listened to rap music everyday, and was one of those kids who thought it was cool to wear one earphone in and the other dangle outside of my hoodie. 

This piece changed my life.

I began to search for more band music. I loved the stories they would tell, the rich and complex harmonies, how every note was intended. Band music was my home and I felt at home while listening to these pieces. On my way to school, I would listen to band music but go back to rap/edm music. These mornings and afternoons from the bus stop soon turned from listening to rap at full blast to appreciating instrumental music (still at full blast because the recordings are quiet *wink*). 

This year, my band also went to the national festival and there, I saw this piece LIVE. When I tell you, my jaw was dropped for the majority of it, I am not telling you a lie. It was beyond the floor. It went all the way down to the core of the earth. Anyway, life was changed again. 

In 11th grade, I was in a dilemma. Did I want to pursue life science to become an orthodontist? Or did I want to try and pursue something in media? I was stuck. I quit the basketball team, I am sure the girls hated me after that. I was so focused on music that year. I joined the jazz band, played in the senior band as the section leader, helped the junior and intermediate bands, and a member of the music council. I loved music so much. 

A conversation with my dad that year changed my life completely. It was during the pandemic as we went to renew my health card. I was talking to my dad about university applications because of how stuck I was. He proceeded to say "Do what you think you will be happy doing for the rest of your life". Immediately, I thought of music. I loved percussion. I loved the many different instruments. I wanted to be just like my music teacher, the LTO who came in during my 10th grade. Since 11th grade was so involved with music--doing school tours, performing with almost every band, being a part of the music program--I realized that music is what I truly loved doing. I did not want to do biology. I didn't want to look inside other people's mouths. Sharing music is what I wanted to do. 

I loved music so much that I wanted it to go from hobby status to professional status. 

In my 12th grade, I got a private teacher, and began to learn 4-mallets. My audition was done on a malletstation and my drum kit snare drum. I played with those crappy yellow vic firth mallets and a pair of snare drum sticks that my friend gifted me for Christmas! I was doubting that I would get in but I also played the heck out of that malletstation LOL. After auditions, I was accepted into every school I applied to. In the mail came my acceptance letter for the university I wanted to go to. I framed it and hung it on my wall as a result of my hard work. I accepted the offer and in 2021, I began my studies. 

-- 

That is my story. 

The story isn't over yet as my education is still ongoing and will continue to be ongoing. Life as a musician is a rough journey and I am still going through it, but I want to document my journey here as someone who cares so deeply about music and percussion.